Rumor: Apple’s Unique Power Source for Tablet Revealed
January 21st, 2010
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
November 11th, 2009
The Quote:
“Technically, G.I. Joe does not exist…” (If only we could be so lucky)
The Review:
If you took poop and threw it into a fan that was blowing onto a movie screen you would end up with a better movie. It would be shorter, more thought provoking, and above all the sliding feces down the screen would trump the acting of nearly everyone in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
What you should take away:
They should have considered calling the film CGI Joe: Cobra is Not in it But We’re Really Hoping for a Sequel so we Threw it in at the Last Minute.
Watching the TV show of, playing with, reading the comic of, or even knowing of the toy you intend to make a movie about is clearly not required.
The United States has a British president! I knew we really lost the revolutionary war! The British just installed a puppet government to make us feel like we were actually in control!
Director Stephen Sommers and his crack team of 6 writers should go try jumping. Right now, go try it and see how high you can get. Ok, now find someone good at jumping; I’ll save you the effort, Michael Jordan could jump 48 inches, the highest vertical leap was 60 inches by Kadour Ziani. Snake Eyes in your movie jumped at least twenty feet over a flipping exploding car in mid air. Perhaps insulting our intelligence AND basic physics are part of the suspense of G.I. Joe. How will Sommers insult our intelligence next?! Ice that sinks! OH SNAP… I DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!
Please God never let Channing Tatum be in another movie. Ever. Again. Shit, too late.
The Rating:
New Blog Disclosure Rules
October 8th, 2009
The FTC recently announced new rules for blogs:
The FTC will require that writers on the Web clearly disclose any freebies or payments they get from companies for reviewing their products. The commission also said advertisers featuring testimonials that claim dramatic results cannot hide behind disclaimers that the results aren’t typical.
The new rule also covers testimonials:
Testimonials have to spell out what consumers should expect to experience with their products. Previously, companies had just included disclaimers when results were out of the ordinary — such as a large weight loss — noting that the experience was not typical for all customers.
I just want to assure all two of you reading this awesome blog that Edgeofheaven.com does not get jack shit from companies to review their products. I pan lousy movies without financial incentive from said movie or any other entity. Even if a company wanted to pay me off to write something good about their crap product they wouldn’t be able to because I would delete the email thinking it was spam.
So rest assured readers, EOH will remain completely unbiased because of stupidity, laziness, and sheer unpopularity.
Oh and also because it is apparently now the law.
Nuclear Batteries?! Are you F#@*ing Kidding Me?!!
October 8th, 2009
The University of Missouri is testing small nuclear batteries to power the gadgets of the future…. WHICH WILL KILL US ALL AS WE TALK TO OUR MOM ON OUR COOL NEW NUCLEAR POWERED CELL PHONES!!!!!
I will be one of the first to get a gadget with a nuclear battery!
Overheard at Hobies
October 1st, 2009
“Oh, the Mac and Cheese looks good!” as I walked by with Mac and Cheese.
First Reaction: Damn right.
Second Reaction: None. I was enjoying the Mac and Cheese.
Overheard at Meijers
September 29th, 2009
“I have connections in the band…. I totally know what State band is doing for the game this weekend!”
First Reaction: Nerd.
Follow up Reaction: Does anyone really care what secret moves the band is planning for the football game? Apparently at least one.
Tech Support Hijack
August 14th, 2009
When someone asks for help with something simple over the phone or email and when go to help they have a list of other not so simple problems that also need fixing.
ITEOTWAWKI
June 29th, 2009
Somewhere in the world someone is playing R.E.M.’s It’s the End of the World As We Know It. If I was able to hear the song the world would actually end. I’ll try to avoid the song.
For now.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Pre-Review
June 24th, 2009
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opens tomorrow in theaters all across America, but because of my completely irrelevant blog I will have to review Michael Bay’s latest film without having actually seen it (no pre-screening for me). You might think this feat hard. After all don’t you have to actually see a film before reviewing it? For most movies, yes. For Michael Bay movies these days, especially Transformer movies, no.
The Quote:
“EEerWhurrrneeeeCLUNKEeeeeCLUNKeeeeeCLUNKwheeeeerrrrrniener” (Any Transformer changing shape and/or any of Megan Fox’s dialog)
The Review:
When you make a complete crap movie called Transformers that somehow makes insane amounts of money because people are desperate for new action movies, they loved Transformers as a child, or they have terrible taste, what do you do? Make the same movie all over again! To start Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox are back. Megan Fox’s reappearance ensures twelve year-old boys everywhere can get their dose of Megan’s boobs in between explosions and transformers, well, transforming. Shia LaBeouf, the douche who helped ruin the Indiana Jones series, is there so the tween girls can… oh wait, they won’t be seeing this film, will they. I guess I don’t know why LaBeouf is in this movie. Heap on explosions and robots transforming and all the stupid ideas from the first movie plus some extra just for good measure and Michael Bay is sure to have another hit summer blockbuster on his hands.
Luckily, for stupid people everywhere, the plot of Transformers 2 is not complicated: Robots fight each other. For the more observant readers you’ll notice this is the same plot as the first movie, but this means more time experiencing the glory that is Michael Bay special effects and less time worrying about plot. With the plot out of the way we are left with 149 of the 150 minutes for everything else. Here is a break down of what you can expect during that time:
- 10 Minutes of robots crying.
- 7 Minutes of dialog.
- 40 minutes of robots transforming.
- 44 minutes of robots fighting and things blowing up.
- 48 minutes of Megan Fox’s boobs.
That is a full six minutes more of Michael Bay brilliance over the original film!
What you should take away:
If you’ve directed movies like The Island, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, Transformers, and Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall, you still could be asked to direct blockbuster movies.
150 minutes!
One-Hundred and Fifty Minutes for fuck’s sake!
The Rating:
The Invasion
June 12th, 2009
The Quote:
KILL ALL HUMANS!
“When you wake up, you’ll feel exactly the same.” (Presumably referring to everyone who fell asleep during the movie)
The Review:
Touted as an Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake, The Invasion, starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, tries to recreate the now three-times redone original film except this time with a twist: Dull characters, boring and predictable plot, unimaginative ending, and confusing dialog and action! Oh thank you Hollywood for setting out on a mission to destroy every decent movie made in the last 50 years.
I think there was some effort in this film to try and throw into question who was really infected, who was sane, what was real, but to be honest the film was so poorly constructed most of these efforts were lost. You have to wonder what the film was like before the studio had Andy Wachowski and Larry Wachowski rewrite parts of the script. In most cases I would say the studio ruined it, but for this movie I’m going to assume the original effort by director Oliver Hirschbiegel was unwatchable.
What you should take away:
Do not drink anything. Ever. No matter what. Seriously.
If you think your spouse is acting strange do not jump straight to “shoot them in the head”, they might get better or you might get infected and not care anymore.
If your movie consists of world-changing alien infection and you end with everyone going back to normal and a “gee, that was odd” ending, you might want to consider a rewrite (or in this case a re-rewrite).
The movie poster says: We were too lazy to use blue and green in addition to the red.
The Rating:
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