ITEOTWAWKI
June 29th, 2009
Somewhere in the world someone is playing R.E.M.’s It’s the End of the World As We Know It. If I was able to hear the song the world would actually end. I’ll try to avoid the song.
For now.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Pre-Review
June 24th, 2009
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opens tomorrow in theaters all across America, but because of my completely irrelevant blog I will have to review Michael Bay’s latest film without having actually seen it (no pre-screening for me). You might think this feat hard. After all don’t you have to actually see a film before reviewing it? For most movies, yes. For Michael Bay movies these days, especially Transformer movies, no.
The Quote:
“EEerWhurrrneeeeCLUNKEeeeeCLUNKeeeeeCLUNKwheeeeerrrrrniener” (Any Transformer changing shape and/or any of Megan Fox’s dialog)
The Review:
When you make a complete crap movie called Transformers that somehow makes insane amounts of money because people are desperate for new action movies, they loved Transformers as a child, or they have terrible taste, what do you do? Make the same movie all over again! To start Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox are back. Megan Fox’s reappearance ensures twelve year-old boys everywhere can get their dose of Megan’s boobs in between explosions and transformers, well, transforming. Shia LaBeouf, the douche who helped ruin the Indiana Jones series, is there so the tween girls can… oh wait, they won’t be seeing this film, will they. I guess I don’t know why LaBeouf is in this movie. Heap on explosions and robots transforming and all the stupid ideas from the first movie plus some extra just for good measure and Michael Bay is sure to have another hit summer blockbuster on his hands.
Luckily, for stupid people everywhere, the plot of Transformers 2 is not complicated: Robots fight each other. For the more observant readers you’ll notice this is the same plot as the first movie, but this means more time experiencing the glory that is Michael Bay special effects and less time worrying about plot. With the plot out of the way we are left with 149 of the 150 minutes for everything else. Here is a break down of what you can expect during that time:
- 10 Minutes of robots crying.
- 7 Minutes of dialog.
- 40 minutes of robots transforming.
- 44 minutes of robots fighting and things blowing up.
- 48 minutes of Megan Fox’s boobs.
That is a full six minutes more of Michael Bay brilliance over the original film!
What you should take away:
If you’ve directed movies like The Island, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, Transformers, and Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall, you still could be asked to direct blockbuster movies.
150 minutes!
One-Hundred and Fifty Minutes for fuck’s sake!
The Rating:
The Invasion
June 12th, 2009
The Quote:
KILL ALL HUMANS!
“When you wake up, you’ll feel exactly the same.” (Presumably referring to everyone who fell asleep during the movie)
The Review:
Touted as an Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake, The Invasion, starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, tries to recreate the now three-times redone original film except this time with a twist: Dull characters, boring and predictable plot, unimaginative ending, and confusing dialog and action! Oh thank you Hollywood for setting out on a mission to destroy every decent movie made in the last 50 years.
I think there was some effort in this film to try and throw into question who was really infected, who was sane, what was real, but to be honest the film was so poorly constructed most of these efforts were lost. You have to wonder what the film was like before the studio had Andy Wachowski and Larry Wachowski rewrite parts of the script. In most cases I would say the studio ruined it, but for this movie I’m going to assume the original effort by director Oliver Hirschbiegel was unwatchable.
What you should take away:
Do not drink anything. Ever. No matter what. Seriously.
If you think your spouse is acting strange do not jump straight to “shoot them in the head”, they might get better or you might get infected and not care anymore.
If your movie consists of world-changing alien infection and you end with everyone going back to normal and a “gee, that was odd” ending, you might want to consider a rewrite (or in this case a re-rewrite).
The movie poster says: We were too lazy to use blue and green in addition to the red.
The Rating:
Battlestar Galactica (remake)
May 30th, 2009
The Quote:
“KILL ALL HUMANS!”
A toss up between: “I’m not a cylon” and “He/She’s a cylon!” — Uttered by pretty much everyone at some point.
The Review:
The creators of the Battlestar Galactica remake first had to figure out the series long over-arching plot. This part was easy: “Cylons try to kill all humans.” Simple, to the point, exciting. Done and done. Then you add in the extras like why are they trying to kill humans, what the gritty details are, who is a cylon, and so on.
The next part was tricky because they had to figure out how to stretch the story into four seasons and still keep people interested. Lost has this very problem (which will only get worse because of the series length and growing absurdity). The Battlestar Galactica creators came up with a system to deal with series fatigue. The system is as follows:
- Hook people with overarching story, cylon attacks, and mythology.
- Spend 15-45 minutes having characters drink themselves under the table.
- Add (sometimes dull) flashback episode that has nothing to do with overarching storyline.
- Have a character be accused of being a cylon, sleep with a cylon, or be revealed as a cylon.
- Add tense episode where X character kills/fucks/marries/pisses off/punches X other character with no real consequences that ultimately has nothing to do with overarching storyline.
- If in doubt have more drinking.
- Go to #1
The reality is you could probably pair down the series to 40% of the episodes and still not miss anything from the main story. I liked the “filler” for the most part, but sometimes it could get dull, preachy, or predictable. What really bothered me is how little the filler actually changed the story. Characters often painted themselves into corners and would do something almost unforgivable but within two to five episodes all would be forgiven and everything went back to normal.
I admired the show for broaching topics on suicide bombers, abortion, religion, law, military rule, and resurrection, but at the same time was overly preachy and formulaic with the big court drama during season three. Overall the show pushed buttons, broke some new ground in television, and was generally enjoyable.
Then the final episode aired.
To be honest the second hour of the finale of Battlestar Galactica ripped the soul out of the show. The sugar coated fluffy ending went against everything BSG built up over the four seasons. On top of that the big mystery of the opera house was poorly resolved with much of the religious aspect butchered to a simplistic and frankly insulting conclusion. Add a dull ending that treated the audience like children and you’ve got one of the worst conclusions the show could have. Because of the ending I can’t see myself watching the series ever again. Battlestar Galactica, for me, was about how destructive but passionate the human race is and the ending ignored all that was built up through the four seasons and gave us a pathetic feel-good finale.
What you should take away:
If you plan to annihilate the human race, save the time, man power, and resources and leave us alone. We’re more than capable of destroying ourselves; just give it some time.
Breaking the rules, laws, and even murder generally is acceptable as long as you spend a few days in the brig (in most cases). Especially if your character is important or popular.
God’s Angels are made up of a baby killing robot and a smarmy selfish traitor. Good to know.
If you are seeing things you are a cylon, or crazy… or both.
The Rating through the first hour of the finale:
The Rating for the second hour of the finale:
(Yes I hated it that much)
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
May 21st, 2009
The Quote:
“…” (Any time Keanu Reeves seems like he should be saying something but does not)
The Review:
Keanu Reeves could have been replaced by a nice potted plant and the movie would have stayed pretty much the same. I almost imagine the director, Scott Derrickson, telling the cast “What I want is dull! Mind numbing dull. If you feel emotion creeping in while acting pretend you just went into a coma”.
The Day the Earth Stood Still is a remake of the 1951 classic with similar themes, but instead of focusing on nuclear weapons they focus on environmentalism. The end result, as the special effects kick in and the obligatory destruction of New York City starts, you really wish everyone would stop trying to convince Klaatu to save the planet and just get the movie over with.
With miscasting, over-the-top military acting, a really obnoxious child, and oddly misplaced giant robot special effect, The Day the Earth Stood Still manages to epically disappoint and be ultra dull.
What you should take away:
If a secret branch of the government shows up at your door and says your mad military/science/technology skills are needed immediately you are likely going to be dead within 24 hours (unless you are hot).
If you are ripping off borrowing swarm special effects from the 1999 movie The Mummy, relying on the visual “wow” effect to keep audiences engaged instead of story, acting, or action is unwise.
Tip when building liquid-goo-Ark-bubble-things: Do not just take two of each animal because you are going to end up with some seriously inbred creatures.
Apparently if you have the power to destroy and save the world, move objects with your mind, and create electricity you will still need to hitch a ride back to the city from some Mom and her kid.
The Rating:
Resident Evil: Degeneration
February 12th, 2009
First off, Leon Kennedy’s 3D animation was about 500% lower quality than say Claire Redfield and Angela Miller. The women had individual strands of hair wisp in the wind, subtle movements in their face, had a wide range of body motion, and generally looked more human. I don’t think Leon’s head turned once the entire film. His arms would go up and down, mostly to shoot at things, but I guess if you are going to cut animation budgets they definitely made the right choice by limiting captain dull’s Leon’s graphic quality.
There are a number of silly English translation oddities throughout the movie. What I think was meant to be “secure delete” was translated into: “EXTRA DELETE ACTION COMMAND!” Sounds very thorough. There were many times when people were talking and it sounded like English and was probably technically correct English, but it still just didn’t sound right. To give you an idea let me try to explain eating a grilled cheese sandwich in the manner RE: Degeneration.
I then placed the melted cheese and toasted bread combination (with a thin layer of butter) into my palm and devoured it slow taking care to avoid my fingers contacting too much of the grease because later I would be required to transport my dairy beverage towards my mouth region and I wouldn’t want to have an incident of slippage.
On to the plot! Resident Evil: Degeneration’s story was like sitting down watching all the extended cut-scenes from the Resident Evil games but a hell of a lot more boring. Speaking of boring, this movie has about 10 endings and I’m not exaggerating. I will summarize them for you so that if you watch the movie you can end it at any one of the 10 endings and feel like you didn’t miss out.
Ending 1: Claire and a handful of people get stuck in a zombie filled airport terminal. Leon and Angela and some guy who everyone knew was going to die within five minutes drop in via helicopter and rescue Claire (and companions). In a very dramatic scene they run out of the terminal just as the police move in to kill off the following zombies.
Ending 2: A company called WilPharam, which is exactly the same as Umbrella but with a much lamer name, trucks in antidote to save the day only to have their vehicles blow’d up. Time to travel to WilPharma headquarters and figure out this mystery (do we really have to?) At the headquarters they find proof of conspiracy/genetic something or other/whocares just before the building is set to self-destruct. What follows is lots of running and explosions, but everyone unfortunately makes it out alive.
Ending 3: But wait! Curtis has infected himself with the G-Virus that turns him into a mutant monster. Who is Curtis? I’m not sure where he came from. He claims his infection is his proof that the government is trying to cover up the Raccoon incident. It’s worth noting he now has a single 6 foot wide eye. Leon swoops in and saves Angela at the last minute by blowing up some stuff and burying the monster under rubble. That’s the last we’ll see of Curtis!
Ending 4: Or not. Monster gets up while the building sprays gasoline from the fire sprinklers (how ironic) and reports to everyone that it (the building) will be incinerating everything soon (five minutes to be exact). Fire (after probably 10-15 minutes in reality), explosions, monster is FINALLY killed.
Ending 5: Or not. Monster Curtis is still alive and is about to kill Angela (again) who at this point in the movie I’ve just figured out is his sister. Right. So just before monster-brother-Curtis kills Angela-sister Leon-dude swoops in and saves Angela (again). They repel up to freedom, monster finally dead!
Ending 6: Or not. Monster’s tentacle whips up and wraps around Angela’s leg and she tries to get Leon to let go (the whole audience was probably hoping for that as well), but no, Leon is a man’s man man and shoots Curtis with one shot from his handgun. Monster lets go of Angela and falls to his fiery death. I should point out that thirty soldiers with machines guns fired about 10,000,000 bullets into monster-Curtis earlier which had no effect.
Ending 7: Leon, Angela, and Claire figure out who really is pulling the strings and it turns out to be the evil scientists in charge of WilPharama genetic development. The team of three good guys dupe him into meeting them (this is not explained) and then get the drop on him only to have him get the drop on them only to have Angela get the drop on him at the last minute.
Ending 8: Claire, Angela, and Leon meet at the edge of a cliff (I think they’re just teasing us with their potential suicide, and it is mean). They discuss the events of the movie. Angela flirts with Leon and Leon in turn flirts with Claire when Angela is out of earshot. The movie fades to black and ends FINALLY!
Ending 9: Or not. Turns out one of Claire’s companions from the very beginning of the film was infected and starts turning into a zombie just after he hit the “EXTRA DELETE ACTION COMMAND!” button on his computer. I smell sequel! At least it is over.
Ending 10: Or not. Turns out the WilPharm cleanup team has found one of Curtis’s tentacles which they carefully place in a briefcase I’m sure to later use for the third Resident Evil animated feature film.
There you have it, 10 quality endings. Fans of the RE games should not be surprised, but still, somehow, I’m disappointed.
This site may harm your computer…
January 31st, 2009
Down for the count: Terminator SCC, MOWE, Sanctuary, Dexter, True Blood, Life on Mars, Pushing Daisies, Life
January 19th, 2009
Down for the count:
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
I don’t know what I was expecting this show to become or how they could keep it going for more than a half season. I think part of the success of this FOX spinoff show was it started when most shows were ending during the writer’s strike. Now that there are more interesting TV shows, and lets be honest, less retarded plot ideas, the show’s ratings have been going down. Four episodes now sit on my Tivo and I really cannot bring myself to start watching them. I think Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles lost me around episode four of season one, it just took me another eight more episodes to realize I no longer cared. FOX will be moving the show to Fridays next year so expect it to completely fail just like every other show relegated to the Friday death slot.
Update: Word is Terminator: SCC is not going to be renewed. Even if it is renewed it might end up on Friday which we all know means the end of the show either way.
My Own Worst Enemy
Even if I wanted to watch My Own Worst Enemy I could not because it has been canceled. Christian Slater’s epic B-star status continues with little hope of upgrading to a better grade anytime soon. Sure there are probably a few more episodes of this schizo spy drama airing on NBC but why bother when most of the questions the show brought up will remain unanswered? To be honest I’m relieved I can stop watching. The pilot was nothing amazing, but it had potential to be interesting in the long run, but knowing the TV business that potential was very slim. So goodbye Christian Slater, I hope to see you star next in Timecop 3: The Multidimensional Crusades!.
Sanctuary
Inexplicably renewed, the SciFi green-screen-shot show will remain on Friday nights along with other mediocre television. I was completely convinced it would be canceled after just a handful of episodes, but apparently someone out there likes this show. Sanctuary might have been interesting, but it quickly became boring; substituting creativity with over done science fiction concepts and characters. I found myself fast forwarding through recorded episodes realizing that, like many other shows on this list, I no longer cared what rehashed ideas the producers had to offer.
Dexter
Let me be very clear about this: Dexter season one was fantastic. It was television like I had never seen before. Characters, dialog, and plot were all amazing. Actors also amazing. This show will likely change the way people think about future television. With that said the second season was interesting but in no way as good as the first. The third season was where the show was starting to lose me, and now the third season really seems bland and uncreative compared to the first and even the second. Can Dexter’s 4th season surprise me like the first season again? Probably not.
True Blood
I can only say this HBO vampire show is starting to annoy me. None of the characters are tolerant or sympathetic anymore, and the vampires are one cliché after another. Disappointing for a HBO television show that seemed to have a lot of promise to be cutting edge. The storyline seems to be meandering along taking the Lost approach where audiences are given some action and lots of mystery but not much else which seems to keep some people watching week after week, but not me.
On life support:
Life on Mars
This almost-science-fiction 1970’s drama on ABC would be a great show but gets held back when the main character tries to inject year 2008 morals, political correctness, and lifestyle into the 70’s. Even worse is when Sam convinces his friends and co-workers with little effort to adopted these same values. Some of them are unrealistically progressive even without Sam’s meddling. Where the show should be gritty, dirty, and stubborn it tiptoes, sidesteps, and brushes over. I don’t want to see some kind of politically correct alternate reality of the 1970’s, I want to see the real 1970’s with the good and the bad. The show likely has been canceled as of this post, so I’ll probably never get to see what the hell really happened to Sam, but maybe I’m better off for it.
Update: Probably canceled.
Canceled (and probably canceled) even though I would still watch it:
Life
A favorite show of mine with terrible ratings. Worse than Knight Rider if you can believe that. Brilliant music and writing, this is the kind of television that keeps me subscribing to cable. While not officially canceled Life doesn’t have much hope with NBC needing to cut five hours of programming a week to make room for Jay Leno’s prime time appearance. Perhaps USA or TNT will pick up the show (please).
Pushing Daisies
Apparently America doesn’t care about creativity, they just want another version of CSI or NCIS instead of something new and refreshing. Is anyone surprised about the success of reality TV? After winning many awards and praise from critics ABC is dumping the show because of ratings. This is disappointing, but I guess ratings don’t lie. The worst part about Life, Pushing Daisies, and even My Own Worst Enemy isn’t that they are canceled, but the show’s producers are not given the chance to close storylines and we end up with the producers of Pushing Daisies thinking about writing a comic book to close the story, and worse MOWE finishes on a cliff hanger. Maybe NBC will give Life the ending it deserves.
How I know when I’m crazy
December 17th, 2008
Sometimes when I scan text I think I see a word or phrase. 99% of the time I can find the word or phrase, often not even in the same paragraph or sentence I was scanning, but somewhere else. I assume it caught my eye and lodged itself in my brain.
That 1% when I see something and I thoroughly read the text to find the word or phrase doesn’t actually exist. That’s when I know I’m crazy.
It is Tuesday
November 18th, 2008
And I am starting to realize the world economy is a giant pyramid scheme. When the economy appears to be healthy as perceived by consumers:
- Consumers spend money.
- Companies make more money and see increased demand therefore hire more employees.
- Repeat
So when the economy appears to be going to hell:
- Consumers stop spending money.
- Companies see reduced demand and start cost cutting and firing people.
- Repeat.
The reality is if everyone went out and started buying things like mad companies would have to hire more people who would then spend more, etc. There are, of course, other factors like reduced housing prices which means the revolving door of “free” money from refinancing is now closed forcing some people living beyond their means to stop spending. Also banks will not lend money to anyone so companies cannot expand and buy stock and I’m sure many other factors.
Obviously I am no financial expert and have no idea what really is going on, but something tells me the “experts” are not that much better off.