edgeofheaven.com

The Quote:

“Technically, G.I. Joe does not exist…”  (If only we could be so lucky)

The Review:

If you took poop and threw it into a fan that was blowing onto a movie screen you would end up with a better movie.  It would be shorter, more thought provoking, and above all the sliding feces down the screen would trump the acting of nearly everyone in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

What you should take away:

They should have considered calling the film CGI Joe: Cobra is Not in it But We’re Really Hoping for a Sequel so we Threw it in at the Last Minute.

Watching the TV show of, playing with, reading the comic of, or even knowing of the toy you intend to make a movie about is clearly not required.

The United States has a British president!  I knew we really lost the revolutionary war!  The British just installed a puppet government to make us feel like we were actually in control!

Director Stephen Sommers and his crack team of 6 writers should go try jumping.  Right now, go try it and see how high you can get.  Ok, now find someone good at jumping; I’ll save you the effort, Michael Jordan could jump 48 inches, the highest vertical leap was 60 inches by Kadour Ziani.  Snake Eyes in your movie jumped at least twenty feet over a flipping exploding car in mid air.  Perhaps insulting our intelligence AND basic physics are part of the suspense of G.I. Joe.  How will Sommers insult our intelligence next?!  Ice that sinks!  OH SNAP… I DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!

Please God never let Channing Tatum be in another movie. Ever. Again.  Shit, too late.

The Rating:

charlie Blu-ray, DVD, Movies

The Quote:

KILL ALL HUMANS!

“When you wake up, you’ll feel exactly the same.” (Presumably referring to everyone who fell asleep during the movie)

The Review:

Touted as an Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake, The Invasion, starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, tries to recreate the now three-times redone original film except this time with a twist: Dull characters, boring and predictable plot, unimaginative ending, and confusing dialog and action!  Oh thank you Hollywood for setting out on a mission to destroy every decent movie made in the last 50 years.

I think there was some effort in this film to try and throw into question who was really infected, who was sane, what was real, but to be honest the film was so poorly constructed most of these efforts were lost.  You have to wonder what the film was like before the studio had Andy Wachowski and Larry Wachowski rewrite parts of the script.  In most cases I would say the studio ruined it, but for this movie I’m going to assume the original effort by director Oliver Hirschbiegel was unwatchable.

What you should take away:

Do not drink anything. Ever.  No matter what.  Seriously.

If you think your spouse is acting strange do not jump straight to “shoot them in the head”, they might get better or you might get infected and not care anymore.

If your movie consists of world-changing alien infection and you end with everyone going back to normal and a “gee, that was odd” ending, you might want to consider a rewrite (or in this case a re-rewrite).

The movie poster says: We were too lazy to use blue and green in addition to the red.

The Rating:

charlie DVD, Movies aliens, apocalypse

The Quote:

“KILL ALL HUMANS!”

A toss up between: “I’m not a cylon” and “He/She’s a cylon!” — Uttered by pretty much everyone at some point.

The Review:

The creators of the Battlestar Galactica remake first had to figure out the series long over-arching plot.  This part was easy: “Cylons try to kill all humans.”  Simple, to the point, exciting.  Done and done.  Then you add in the extras like why are they trying to kill humans, what the gritty details are, who is a cylon, and so on.

The next part was tricky because they had to figure out how to stretch the story into four seasons and still keep people interested.  Lost has this very problem (which will only get worse because of the series length and growing absurdity).  The Battlestar Galactica creators came up with a system to deal with series fatigue.  The system is as follows:

1. Hook people with overarching story, cylon attacks, and mythology.
2. Spend 15-45 minutes having characters drink themselves under the table.
3. Add (sometimes dull) flashback episode that has nothing to do with overarching storyline.
4. Have a character be accused of being a cylon, sleep with a cylon, or be revealed as a cylon.
5. Add tense episode where X character kills/fucks/marries/pisses off/punches X other character with no real consequences that ultimately has nothing to do with overarching storyline.
6. If in doubt have more drinking.
7. Go to #1

The reality is you could probably pair down the series to 40% of the episodes and still not miss anything from the main story.  I liked the “filler” for the most part, but sometimes it could get dull, preachy, or predictable.  What really bothered me is how little the filler actually changed the story.  Characters often painted themselves into corners and would do something almost unforgivable but within two to five episodes all would be forgiven and everything went back to normal.

I admired the show for broaching topics on suicide bombers, abortion, religion, law, military rule, and resurrection, but at the same time was overly preachy and formulaic with the big court drama during season three. Overall the show pushed buttons, broke some new ground in television, and was generally enjoyable.

Then the final episode aired.

To be honest the second hour of the finale of Battlestar Galactica ripped the soul out of the show.  The sugar coated fluffy ending went against everything BSG built up over the four seasons.  On top of that the big mystery of the opera house was poorly resolved with much of the religious aspect butchered to a simplistic and frankly insulting conclusion.  Add a dull ending that treated the audience like children and you’ve got one of the worst conclusions the show could have.  Because of the ending I can’t see myself watching the series ever again.  Battlestar Galactica, for me, was about how destructive but passionate the human race is and the ending ignored all that was built up through the four seasons and gave us a pathetic feel-good finale.

What you should take away:

If you plan to annihilate the human race, save the time, man power, and resources and leave us alone.  We’re more than capable of destroying ourselves; just give it some time.

Breaking the rules, laws, and even murder generally is acceptable as long as you spend a few days in the brig (in most cases).  Especially if your character is important or popular.

God’s Angels are made up of a baby killing robot and a smarmy selfish traitor.  Good to know.

If you are seeing things you are a cylon, or crazy… or both.

The Rating through the first hour of the finale:

The Rating for the second hour of the finale:

(Yes I hated it that much)

charlie DVD, TV remake, scifi

The Quote:

“…” (Any time Keanu Reeves seems like he should be saying something but does not)

The Review:

Keanu Reeves could have been replaced by a nice potted plant and the movie would have stayed pretty much the same.  I almost imagine the director, Scott Derrickson, telling the cast “What I want is dull!  Mind numbing dull.  If you feel emotion creeping in while acting pretend you just went into a coma”.

The Day the Earth Stood Still is a remake of the 1951 classic with similar themes, but instead of focusing on nuclear weapons they focus on environmentalism.  The end result, as the special effects kick in and the obligatory destruction of New York City starts, you really wish everyone would stop trying to convince Klaatu to save the planet and just get the movie over with.

With miscasting, over-the-top military acting, a really obnoxious child, and oddly misplaced giant robot special effect, The Day the Earth Stood Still manages to epically disappoint and be ultra dull.

What you should take away:

If a secret branch of the government shows up at your door and says your mad military/science/technology skills are needed immediately you are likely going to be dead within 24 hours (unless you are hot).

If you are ripping off borrowing swarm special effects from the 1999 movie The Mummy, relying on the visual “wow” effect to keep audiences engaged instead of story, acting, or action is unwise.

Tip when building liquid-goo-Ark-bubble-things: Do not just take two of each animal because you are going to end up with some seriously inbred creatures.

Apparently if you have the power to destroy and save the world, move objects with your mind, and create electricity you  will still need to hitch a ride back to the city from some Mom and her kid.

The Rating:

charlie DVD, Movies

Frumpy!

The Ratings:

charlie DVD, Movies 365 Days of Reviews, Epic Short Review

Ten one-liners about Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous:

1. William Shatner was completely wasted in this film, and I’m not talking about him being drunk.
2. For the same amount of money the producers manged to make the original movie again but far far crappier.
3. Diedrich Bader is no Michael Caine.
4. Not even close.
5. Not even in the same Universe.
6. Miss Congeniality 2 is the definition for “Why you shouldn’t make sequels ever.”
7. When Benjamin Bratt won’t reprise his role in your sequel you have problems.
8. It is possible Miss Congeniality 2 was paid for by the city of Las Vegas as a lousy marketing scheme.
9. If you look up “lazy” in the dictionary there is a picture of Miss Congeniality 2’s writers.
10. Anyone who paid to see this movie in the theater is owed their movie ticket plus another $500 for the two hours it wasted of their life.

The Rating:

charlie DVD, Movies 365 Days of Reviews, Epic Short Review

The Quote:

“I feel a great swell of pity for the poor fool who comes to that school… looking for trouble.”

The Review:

Rules for mutants:

1. You must come up with a cheesy name for yourself that is in addition to your normal name like Cyclops.  If you have trouble with this part try to associate your cheesy name with your power.  For instance if your mutant power is the ability to staple more quickly than other people you could be called “The Stapler” other example names include The Bowler, Mr. Furious, The Blue Raja, The Shoveler, The Spleen… er, wait wrong movie.
2. You have to wear a spiffy matching suit if you are a good guy.  No exceptions.
3. Learn how to fly because it seems like nearly all the cool mutants can fly and if you are not in that special club you will get your ass kicked.
4. You must be ultra good looking unless your name is Toad, then you are excused.

Silliness ends here.  You’ve been warned.

Comic book movies have a long history of being unpredictable in quality and often have a short shelf life.  I know there are still some die hard original Superman fans out there, but the movie with the man with a big S on his spandex is starting to show its age and I’m guessing it is not tops on the list of best comic book movies anymore.

Eight years after X-Men was released I have watched the film again and it still holds together fairly well, but to be honest I think it is also starting to show its age.  The film is made up of 15-20 X-men, but all but a handful are one-sided and frankly boring.  Rogue (Anna Paquin) and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) obviously are the center of attention and the most interesting, along with Magneto’s (Ian McKellen) back story.  For some reason Cyclops (James Marsden) is forced to the forefront of the story even though he’s dull and his power (and I don’t care about the fucking comic) is frankly the least believable and least interesting.

The audience watching X-Men were supposed to be solidly rooting for the good mutants.  The filmmakers want audiences to see the Xavier and crew to stop Magneto’s evil plans, but the reality is, aside from trying to kill Rogue, Magneto’s speech on intolerance hits a nerve.  Senator Kelly’s speech doesn’t help the “good” X-Men’s cause; it sounds far too much like ignorant speeches we hear everyday from members of congress and pundits – granted they cover different topics, but the intolerance is still there.

Despite the filmmaker’s attemtps, I feel a certain amount of disgust with the do-good X-Men, and some pity for Magneto’s team.  Storm (Halle Berry) and Wolverine’s argument about choosing sides infuriates me.  Storm says “At least I’ve chosen a side!” to Wolverine’s question if she’s chosen the right side.  Apparently it doesn’t matter what side you choose or for what reason, just that you’ve picked a side.  What is wrong with not knowing what the right answer is?  What is wrong with being undecided or neutral?  Even though nearly nothing in this world is truly black and white or wrong and right.  For a film that shows concentration camps and draws parallels to a modern anti-mutant congress, I am disappointed filmmakers tossed away a chance to turn the film into something worth discussing and instead went for the big Hollywood finish.

What you should take away:

This review was too long.

Also Cyclops is a tool.

The Rating:

charlie DVD, Movies 365 Days of Reviews

The Quote:

“How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? Our goose is totally loose!”

The Review:

By now everyone has heard of Buffy the Vampire Slayer television show and probably know a few of the rabid fans who love the seven season TV series, but many do not know of Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie that started it all, released five years prior to the TV show, staring Kristy Swanson as Buffy, Donald Sutherland as her watcher, Merrick, Luke Perry, Paul Reubens, Rutger Hauer, David Arquette, and even Hilary Swank.  Joss Whedon, creator of the TV series, wrote the movie, however the director and producers took a decidedly silly approach to his story (much to his disappointment).

Like the TV series, Buffy is the chosen vampire slayer who is trained by Merrick (briefly) to stop the vampires who attack her high school senior dance.  Nothing is taken seriously in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with over the top death scenes, outrageous banter, cliche vampires and high school students alike, and overdone makeup jobs.  It is campy and stupid, but still a ton of fun to watch.

What you should take away:

The head vampire uses a samurai sword, however this does not mean he is a ninja or pirate.  I know, it’s confusing.

Also you can test to see if someone you know is the chosen one: First, get a big knife.  Second, throw knife at potential chosen one.  Third, they’ll catch it if they are the chosen one, if not you’ll go to jail for a long long time.

Also: OMG IT’S RUTGER HAUER!!!11ONE

Also sometimes movies miss the 80’s by 3 years, but still seem to be in the spirit of the 80’s.

The Rating:

charlie DVD, Movies 365 Days of Reviews

The Quote:

Anything Dean Cain says in the movie!

Dean Cain!

The Review:

Future Sport stars Dean Cain!!!!! and has something to do with Hawaiians as well, but the most important thing you should know about Future Sport is that Dean Cain is in it!  Dean Cain plays an awesome Future Sport star/captain/coach who must save the universe by playing Future Sport!  Dean Cain runs up stairs, throws balls, has sex, shoots guns, rides hover boards, banters with Wesley Snipes, and gets electrocuted repeatedly!  Dean Cain!

What you should take away:

Dean Cain!

Also you can solve any intercontinental conflict if Dean Cain comes up with the solution!

Also Dean Cain was able to end people’s interest in the NFL and start a brand new sport called XFL Future Sport that everyone watches instead because he’s Dean Cain!

Also Dean Cain!

The Rating:

charlie DVD, Movies, TV 365 Days of Reviews, gabillion

“Its mystery is only exceeded by its power” – Brilliant and life-changing words spoken by many of the characters in Dude Where’s My Car?

But what does the phrase really mean?  Let me explain.

If the Continuum Transfunctioner’s mystery goes up or down the power is always greater.

Mystery < Power

At the beginning of Dude Where’s My Car? Nothing is known about the Continuum Transfunctioner therefore its power is significant.  Since we do not even have a clue as to what the Continuum Transfunctioner does the mystery of the device is limited to your pathetic imagination.  As the movie progresses you find out more and more about the device and you expect it starts to lack mystery therefore the power must have decreased as well.

You would be wrong, of course.

The Continuum Transfunctioner’s mystery only becomes larger.  Yes, we know it destroys the Universe, and yes we know it can banish 50ft women to Hoboken NJ, but why is it able to do these things?  Who made it and for what purpose?  What else can it do?   You see now that we know more about the device, the mystery actually gets bigger which means the power has become much greater as well, so the equation remains intact and in fact becomes:

( Mystery : Mystery < ) < Power

charlie DVD, Movies 365 Days of Reviews, Epic Short Review